Over the years I have shared countless stories, and today’s story is going to be surprisingly different from anything I have ever shared.
I already kicked the door open with my last article.
This share brings out the interconnection between some of the most important events in my short-lived life. I will continue being open, not just privately but also publicly.
Warning: it’s an extremely long write-up.
I will do my best to gather my thoughts to deliver the unfolding of the darkest hours of my conscious life that opened me up for a greater growth I didn’t see coming.
Currently, I feel as if I am unlearning and relearning everything while expanding my consciousness and liberating myself from the conditions of the past that are blocking my precious energy.
On the 26th of September 2016 I finally arrived home, back to Estonia, where I caught up with my family and friends within a short timeframe of two months, before I took off again.
This marked the finish and a start of a new chapter.
1,758 days on the road.
4 years, 9 months, 22 days.
31 countries in 4 continents.
Hundreds of Generous Souls around the world.
2 years, 7 months, in total of 27 countries on faith and trust.
15,5 months on a bicycle through 18 countries, covering 10’000 km.
A long journey that was packed with untouchable growth that changed my life forever.
I am amazed of what I have accomplished. I feel that the depth of this journey hasn’t hit me yet. My life has changed indescribable ways. I am definitely not the same person who left home on the 4th of December 2011. The old me and new me are incomparable. I know more about myself, love and life but I feel as if I am at the very beginning of the evolution of my spiritual journey to enter the heart of surrender. There’s so much to learn. I have just briefly tasted the infinite possibilities available to anyone.
After all this growth I felt more home in my being as never before. I was excited to explore the new chapter that was about to show its direction.
I didn’t know what to wait. I was scared and excited at the same time. I knew that I can’t nor want to return living the way I did. Life had become more meaningful which created this huge desire to explore the wonders of the universe.
I loved being home but I didn’t feel that it’s my base of preference anymore. The English language had won over Estonian. The tropical climates over cold. Traveling over a steady desk job. Empowering thoughts over negative. And the list goes on.
I had become a scared girl in an unlimited world.
And I surely didn’t know what was around the corner. Turned out that it was nothing I had expected. So unexpected and extremely uncomfortable.
I left home again on the 24th of November with the desire to write a book in America but before that I was visiting few friends in Europe.
Copenhagen, the capital city of Denmark, became my first stop for five days, visiting my friend Rose.
I met her months ago when I cycled through Europe. She had invited me to stay with her. We connected instantly on a level unknown to me. Precious beyond words. When I jumped back on my bike then shortly after we were pleasantly shocked to realize that we had fallen in love. The connection was beyond this world and I felt like I’ve known her for lifetimes. What shocked me the most was that I couldn’t believe that in a span of a two months I had fallen in love with two women. This was nothing I had anticipated. So I went with the flow by doing my best with all the given opportunities that were here to teach me something valuable I was meant to learn.
When I saw Rose again, time literally stopped. It always does.
I experienced primal gazing each time I looked in her eyes. I got lost, completely and entirely. Everything else disappeared. There was no one else, only us.
Phew, am I really sharing this? Oh boy, I guess I am.
There will be a link to this mystery. So let’s continue.
Suddenly our reunion took a new turn. Things changed in rapid speed.
On the 25th of November, my second day in Copenhagen, I experienced a painful disconnection from my higher self. Torturous hours of confusion crashed the weekend.
We had company, few of Rose’s friends had also come to stay for three days.
I remember vividly how in the small group of women I lost the ability to speak, to express myself the way I was used to. No matter how bad I wanted to be “normal” again, I just couldn’t. I longed for connection with myself that was out of my reach. I literally hated the situation yet I managed to stay calm amongst the storm. I had turned quiet. I just listened to others.
Shortly after Rose started pulling away by giving me silent treatment and no eye contact. I felt invisible in her presence, she didn’t see nor hear me. And then it happened. As much as I wanted to stop the inevitable, I felt powerless. I allowed the outer circumstances hurt me to extremes. It was then when a huge cloud of shattered thoughts and insecurity started pulling me deeper and deeper into the biggest unknown known to me.
I was shocked.
What’s happening? Why me? Why now?
So many question but no answers. Nothing, absolutely nothing made sense.
My energy was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I didn’t recognize myself and I surely didn’t know what to do. So I did what my body guided me to do.
I surrendered. I focused on my breathing. I was soothing my inner child. I welcomed all the emotions and feelings. And I refused to understand. I was just building faith to let life unfold so it could take me where I needed to go. Pure acceptance of what is. Not easy, not a bit.
There was also something profound that took place a week before, during my last days in Estonia which made the reunion frightening to both us.
During my FaceTime call with Rose I entered a stage of hysteric laughter. So loud and inappropriate. The more I laughed the further distance grew. I was fully aware but I simply couldn’t stop! I was afraid to admit it, to myself and to her. I was confused. I just didn’t understand. I didn’t know why I was laughing but I kept on going. Distance grew further and further. I felt the energy shift. We both did. Uncomfortable and unavoidable.
Maturity met immaturity. Teacher met a student.
I didn’t waste any time. After the call I went straight in, wanting to understand the mystery so I could shift the energy that was blocking my flow of life. It didn’t take long when I realized – I laughed when I was meant to cry! It’s been a form of protection for decades. So destructive and hurtful towards myself. And what triggered this response was the very same thing that activated the disconnection from my higher self in Copenhagen – I saw the power of another human being whose way of moving through life, the way she lived and the way she walked and the way she talked, inspired me beyond human words.
In that moment something remarkable happened, something I wasn’t even aware of. I didn’t believe that I have the same power beating my own innocent heart. I had automatically disempowered myself. The painful truth of hurting myself time and time again opened the gate of laughter to slip into denial so I could protect something that was longing for my loving attention. It had become my way to strengthen the wall to protect my heart. A subconscious behavior where the outer circumstances were controlling my inner world of fears.
This flashback was painful.
All the wisdom and tools I had collected throughout the years seemed useless because I couldn’t escape the inevitable to save the relationship dearest to my holy heart that was falling into pieces in front of my own eyes there and then.
Days later we talked.
I didn’t want to because I had nothing to say. Words were not present. I was crying. Extremely emotional and fragile. Vulnerable as never before.
Rose has always been an energetically sensitive soul and I knew she was picking up what I was putting down. Turned out that it was too much to handle. A part of me understood what she was saying but there was this other, a bigger part, that couldn’t register a word!
I knew that being in an emotionally vulnerable place is not making it easy to hear words that travel into the core of my being, into the heart of surrender. I didn’t want to hear what was said but I needed to hear every single word!
I believed that I am not authentic. And that I have a dark core with two personalities too ugly to be accepted and loved by anyone, even by me.
Here’s a flashback into my past experiences that only magnified the pain within me.
In Peru, two years ago, I heard a line “Your energy is all over the place and its terrible!”. This line traveled into my psyche from few shamans who didn’t know that I was already executed by the same dreadful conviction from other shamans. This really shook me. My whole journey was based on exchange of energy not matter, and when I heard that line, not just once, I was devastated and disappointed in myself. The only way to fix what was never broken, was to go through healing ceremonies. The catch 22 was money. They didn’t want to help a person without money which I didn’t have. I offered an exchange but they were not interested. This really made me question the pureness of helping another on their journey! First you convict them and then you trash them. I have asked a question from myself millions of times, “When you have all the means in the world to make a beautiful difference in someone’s life, why don’t you?” I know they play their part when the circumstances are fit for them. I had a deep desire with a longing for connection but the door was shut because I didn’t had money, the material tool of power.
What about my pure intentions? My deepest desires? I was ready to pay it forward but it didn’t seem to matter. I got a precious lesson, to trust and love myself more.
Back to Rose and Copenhagen.
I felt rejected, big time.
The intensity and growth we both experienced within months is impossible and nonsense to even compare with the years I have lived in this physical body. It had exhaust me yet I didn’t want to change a thing. Every moment with her was precious, even this.
The unexpected energetic collision over the weekend became sadly a turning point in our relationship.
The visit I had waited for weeks left me brokenhearted. I was amazed how it affected my state of being, especially when I saw myself untouchable before this event. I thought and believed that the undeniable love beyond this 3D reality could never hurt me whether we take this journey together or separate. Needless to say, it wasn’t the case.
Before I left Rose’s, messages started coming through that I need to break down to break open. A complete transformation from inside out. Reconnecting with the true nature of my being. Something that is and has always been there but hasn’t been embraced at its complete state.
The core of the message was to learn to become still, and to listen the beat of my heart without giving in to restlessness or the critical voice inside. But not just that. Also to bring my own shadows and light into balance to make peace with the darkness that has been lurking in the depths of my being.
Something so foreign and unfamiliar.
I understood and then I didn’t. They were just word without meaning. I was confused, again. And then I realized that I didn’t even understand my own guidance. Well, I actually did but applying it didn’t seem to work, and that pissed me off.
On the 28th of November, still in Copenhagen, I made a decision to transform my reality with one breath at a time. I knew that it’s not going be an easy ride but I couldn’t care less. Nothing became more important than this, never ever again.
Hallelujah. A lifelong journey.
I became eager to face my inner fears and divisions, even when I was scared shitless to the point of proceeding. I was willing to cross more river to go through the pain of becoming someone new rather than be stuck in something that doesn’t serve the evolution of all.
I already knew from my previous experiences that I can only change my external environment by changing my internal vibrational source. And it was time to do the work, no matter how rocky the road, to gradually reunite my mind and heart.
I had the foundation.
I had the support through dear ones and guides.
And it had become my only thriving force, a burning passion.
I LET LIFE UNFOLD.
AND I STEPPED INTO THE BIGGEST UNKNOWN KNOWN TO ME.
It was fucking scary yet so necessary, for years.
THE PLAN WAS SIMPLE: no distractions, solitude, meditation, mantras, few books and the present moment.
During the first cloudy week I gave myself a promise that I would do whatever it takes to better the relationship with myself that would better the interactions with anyone I would ever meet. I got sick of dumping my unresolved pain-body traumas into someone else’s yard. I was done playing a victim.
“Easy to say”, I thought, “but freaking hard to do!”
I started the whole process by postponing almost everything I thought I might do in the upcoming months. Actually, to be brutally honest, they ceased to exist in my reality.
Even the idea of writing the book. I felt so hurt when I had hurt myself and triggered hurt within others. I felt as if I had betrayed myself and those closest to my heart. I felt as if I had burned the trust and faith with my lack of compassion and understanding. I didn’t see myself as a beautiful example of the courageous adventure where I was showered over with immense generosity at every step of the way. I felt fake. I felt unauthentic. There were even moments when I didn’t want to hear anything about my fearless adventures where I was blessed to learn my lessons of love and fear in the magical world of wonders. I had slipped into a denial.
During that time, I also started a journal, first in my life, to keep track of my progress and catch as many negative self-destructive thoughts and behaviors of my conditioned self. I started filling the journal with meditation details, empowering thoughts, and also with raw thought and emotions.
A week passed.
I was now in America, at Alice’s home in Georgetown TX, after visiting my lovely friends in Munich.
Little did I know what was around the corner!
Events in Georgetown overwhelmed me with a wish to disappear. And that’s when shit got real.
Talking about not recognizing myself…
Everything in my external environment triggered the crap out of me. I started hiding myself physically, avoiding people at any opportunity, which quickly became my mission impossible! Each day was packed with new activities and new faces. I should have known, it’s natural when living with Alice. The social butterfly in me distanced herself from everyone. I made myself invisible around people. And I only spoke when I had to.
I craved solitude without meeting a single soul. I couldn’t care less if they were the sweetest or the most inspirational people in the existence of humanity. I couldn’t be around people, and being around Alice was especially hard. Seeing her was a sad reminder of what I had become.
I just wanted to be alone, control my environment. I knew how crazy it sounded. Often times, I found hard to even communicate with myself, therefore impossible to communicate with others.
I can’t give a gift of connection, verbal or nonverbal, to another when I am unable to give it to myself.
I felt selfish yet I knew it’s not the case.
My emotional body became explosive, and unexpected.
I rarely talked or shared my thoughts with anyone. “No one would understand,” I thought with my stubborn mind.
Luckily I knew that I need more love, not less. So I continued my practice of breathing and soothing my inner child while also meditating my brains out.
My practice of connecting seemed to magnify everything.
The excruciating pain reached into new heights, fluctuating between extreme highs and infinite lows, challenging my ability to surrender.
During week three, I was devastated that I was still unable to use my tools of wisdom I had gathered along the journey to step out of the unwanted experiences. Until I realized – it’s never been about stepping out from something that cries out for my own loving attention to truly embrace the healing process at hand to give myself the love I have always looked from outside.
“No more running”, I said.
As a playfully naïve woman I thought that I had already conquered a huge part of loving myself. There was a grain of truth in what I had become to believe to be true but that wasn’t the case in the vastness of love that’s available to me and everyone at all times. And that’s how I was brought back home, admitting that I am at the very beginning to enter the heart of surrender.
Surprise surprise, it was tough to admit yet so bloody beautiful to realize in a deeper level that I am always in the beginning of my journey, no matter how far I have walked.
On the 11th of December Alice mentioned something briefly about The Dark Night of the Soul. A quick Google search left me speechless. There were people who understood what I was going through. I couldn’t believe it. Finally, words for something I couldn’t explain nor understand.
My level of awareness flew into a new dimension of understanding.
I was surprised to realize after checking in with my body that my soul wanted to experience the hidden unresolved energetic and emotional pain-body traumas of my childhood wounds that unexpectedly opened me up for greater growth for my journey ahead.
Decades of hiding and building a shadow was finally showing its immense power.
I had never allowed myself to be in the dark, consciously. To taste the dark. To know the dark. Now was the time to give her the stage to speak her truth. I allowed the shadow and critic to take the stand, share all their fears and hurt without judgement of any sort.
“One doesn’t become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
By Carl G. Jung
I started slowly developing the power of focused listening.
Ha ha ha. This bloody change got serious – I even shaved my legs. Eighteen months of pure joy gone in twenty minutes. Poor razor, it got jammed several times.
Soon after I realized how I was resisting everything in and around me that wasn’t aligned with my wish for solitude. I was ticking off spiritual checkpoints, instead listening the guidance of my own body. Also, there were so many littlest of things I was still judging myself for, alongside with lack of self-love.
Non-resistance was added in the list of change that got longer and longer.
Everything is a process. No need to hurry. Just baby-steps.
My old-self was crumbling and fighting for its survival and it still is. Those nasty thorns are also here to be loved as only I can love them. The plan was to reclaim my disowned parts to bring them into the light of my own divinity.
From this point onward I experienced indescribable energy shifts in my body whenever I approached life in unfamiliar ways.
“As you assist in the evolution of our planet through a journey of spiritual growth, you will likely experience periods of profound expansion and contraction, shifting between extraordinary highs and infinite lows, until all polarities balance out.”
By Matt Kahn
I moved from a fixed meditation plan to a more flexible one, and I went along with many activities that pushed the sensitive resistance button to the point of being a total bitch to Alice. I also added Tibetan Rites of Rejuvenation in my daily life.
There were so many moments when I caught myself thinking how blessed I was to be able to go through a transformation at hand with tremendous support to do the one and only – dedicate all my waking hours to do what I am sent here to do, to transform my own reality by contributing into the beauty of transforming the reality for all.
Yet, it didn’t mean that I had all the gratitude to appreciate everything that had come my way. I was so aware of my lack of appreciation but I had learned that when I hurt myself I would move further away from the change I wanted to create. So I had to suck it up and accept the circumstances at hand.
The last years of my adventures have been all about generosity. Now I was struggling to feel and show my gratitude to the very ones who have been and are the generous souls of this journey, the face of hope. And I am telling you – it was overbearing to be in a place like this. I could see the gratitude. I could almost touch and taste the gratitude yet I felt separated from the very beauty that was once soothing my soul with endless love.
I had become an expert at being ungrateful. In fact, I am still connecting with my body to feel grateful and to show gratitude, in me and around me. It’s hard to admit it out load publicly.
Throughout the months of December, I was exposed to many new insights, some from friends, and others from audio recordings and books. Changing my awareness to raise my vibration became a golden key to move closer to the light that I am. I was careful tough. I didn’t want to overwhelm myself with everything that was already on my plate. My days were mostly filled with contemplations. A lot of quiet time. And tears.
I started connecting with myself more and more each day, talking with my “Little Elsa”, not fully aware that it will be a powerful key towards liberation.
One of the biggest mountains to cross became a loss of two important relationships that were now out of my reach, even though the one with Rose was still pending. This triangle of love wasn’t healthy for none of us. We all had distanced ourselves from each other’s lives to take new directions in life and love. I was still hoping that my relationship with Rose will flourish again.
There were moments during days when I cried, sometimes uncontrollably.
Grief got me.
My entire emotional body started to crack open, gradually tough. The loss of a loved one felt unbearable to the degree where I was stunned. And there was also the child in me who wanted to be heard. The combination of these two aspects in my healing process got me into some of the most unexpected events of crying like a baby.
I have barely ever allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable.
I knew I wasn’t connected with my emotions, and I’m still not, but I am more connected as ever before, except when I was welcomed into this world with a brand new beginning before the circumstances got me where I am today.
The last time I cried from the depth of my soul was ten years ago, a week worth of tears, after my grandmothers passing. Before that, between the age of eight to fourteen, I cried only few times. And I don’t have any recollection of the early ages but there’s something telling me that I did a lot of crying, ending up with making a vow to toughen up and never ever let anyone hurt me ever again by suppressing my precious tears, saving them for an extremely special moment.
I will also refresh my mind by filling you in with a short story of my childhood.
I was born on the 4th of June 1985 to a schizophrenic mother. When she got pregnant with me then the doctor told her to not go through with the pregnancy because it’s not safe for her and for the baby but she decided to do it anyways. In the hospital she wrote a letter of abandonment where she gave up her rights as a parent, and three months later, according to the historical facts I possess, I was taken into an orphanage. My mom visited me time after time again. I don’t know how often but what I feel in my body today is rejection. Coming and then going, always without me. As a child I must have wondered why? She loved me but she didn’t want me! My hopes were slowly dying and trust fading. I became a troublesome child yet super adorable.
At the age of six, in the year of 1991, my mom went missing – it was covered all over the news, TV and newspaper. I remember the day but only parts – I was cycling outside when I suddenly heard someone call my name, telling me that my mom is on TV. I ran upstairs to discover that everyone else was already watching the news and the story of my mom was far from being a joke. I don’t remember my reaction but I do remember my nightmares that started shortly after.
In the span of eight years I grew up in three different orphanages. I don’t know the exact situation in any of the institutions – how many caretakers they had per child; if and how my emotional and mental needs were ever addressed; why I wasn’t wanted – was I locked in the system or there was no one who liked me; etc.
Around the age of seven a family appeared on the picture who was interested of adopting me. For many months I was sent from one city to another on a bus to spend weekends at their home near the capital city of Tallinn. I loved the weekends there. Mainly because I connected with the neighbor’s kids who were around my age, and being away from the orphanage was a treat.
Just before I turned eight I was adopted into the family who became my mom and dad. There was also another child, Andres who was adopted as a baby. He was five years older than me, and we never connected.
I entered the first grade, being one year older than everyone else, except one. From there on I was now living in a family environment where I finally got individual love and care that suddenly opened up better prospects for a brighter future. Needless to say, it wasn’t easy for no of us but that’s another story for another day.
There’s a link again and I want to point out something that blends in with today’s lengthy write-up. I went from a dysfunctional institution into a dysfunctional family environment where emotions were not embraced, instead they were suppressed. I was already disconnected from majority of my emotions and there was a lack of hope to reconnect with what I had buried and to save what was there to be saved when growing up with parents who were also emotionally disconnected.
At the age of 25 a huge event took place in my life. It was a time when I met my biological grandmother in the year of 2010. On the first visit I heard a lot of stories that overcooked my protective mind. There was something profound though that took me by surprise. It was the nightmare I saw for years. When I heard the story of my mom and how she went missing, it hit – it’s not a dream, it actually happened. The missing pieces of the puzzle found its companions to crack open another mystery in my life.
The rejection. The emotions. The painful traumas.
I had no clue that there’re still so many unresolved issues alive within my body. My mind was blown away by the magnitude of hurt that’s waiting for my loving approval to heal the wounds of the past. And I feel that I don’t even know the real magnitude of what’s been stored and locked away for decades to protect my innocent heart from further destruction.
“I believe that this neglected wounded inner child of the past is the major source of human misery.”
By John Bradshaw
I am forever grateful for my biological mom and my parents. Being a parent is probably the hardest job that anyone is ever gonna do. I know that they did their very best at any given moment with the level of awareness they held. I have hurt and triggered hurt within many, and I am no different. I am just eager to break the cycle of victimhood in the best of my abilities.
Awareness itself is already half of the battle.
So here’s my longing for connection.
I am not shy to cry anymore. I want to connect. I want to listen. I want to feel.
There’s still so much I cannot feel in my heart but it’s not my own doing. It’s by design. I don’t want to judge myself anymore. One hurtful word from me to me stabs my Little Elsa.
There’s a saying “Feelings never lie.”
All those tears of painful growth have already discharged a great amount of disconnective energy to house more love. And I know that it’s just a beginning of a brand new chapter that’s taking me into the marvelous magic’s of the unknown.
I am still a scared girl in this unlimited world.
Whenever Rose comes to mind, I use her as a reminder to hold myself in my own loving embrace. And she comes to my mind often which I don’t mind. First I hated and loved it at the same time. Now I genuinely love the beauty of having her in my life, no matter in what form. I love her beyond the beyond and I always will. I know.
My friend Chris, alongside with her sister Kim, has an incredible gift of making my heart sing with the greatest pieces of advice that have helped me to see a bigger picture with love as my guide. Here’s one of her advices that has soothed my soul whenever I have applied it in my daily life.
“Honor and be kind to yourself when you play a dark role in someone’s life or when someone plays this role in yours.”
Chris is a sensitive precious soul who I got to know last year in March through Kim. I was curious if she can give me a readying. She was happy to. One of the many things that came through was my spirits desire to turn my faith and trust inward. I felt the importance of her words and knew that it’s inevitable. I couldn’t take the leap of faith then coz I was about to start my American cycling and I knew that this may take me on a verge of an emotional breakdown which meant that I needed a special loving environment to enter the unknown world of transformation.
Eight months later everything was provided and then the shit hit the fan.
Now three months into the transformation I have empowered myself enough to share the unfolding of events where so much and more has been revealed.
I have come to realized, thanks to Chris and Kim, that the emotional blocks are a result of traumas I experienced as a child. My divine masculine, the parent like mind, “laid a blanket” over those hurtful parts so I could survive the wave of hurtful things. And sadly this impacted greatly the development of my divine feminine, the child like heart. I had closed my heart to protect myself from the hurtful traumas I had no clue on how to heal. Therefor the blocking has been a gift to protect myself while I was helped to collect knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and tools to connect with earth and spirit, during my journey’s.
I did my best with what I had, and with what I knew. Early in my childhood I didn’t have a mirroring face, a parent I could look up to and learn from. There were so many fundamental things that were not modeled throughout my life. And I felt invisible because I didn’t get my infancy needs met.
I know now that I am loved for the very one I am. That it’s okay to be me. My feelings and sadness are okay. My fear is okay. My joy is okay.
There are two important people who became catalysts for the healing process I have just started – Marlene and Rose. Women I met and fell in love when cycling through the wild plains of Europe. Their loving presence was a divine trigger to awake dormant parts of the neglected innocent me.
Rose’s role out of many was to bring the experience of rejection to the forefront of my consciousness where the real wound that longs to be healed comes from childhood.
I have learned that another person’s rejection cannot hurt me unless I reject myself at the same time. And I was the one who did the abandoning.
It’s become so clear that timing is everything.
All happens in the now and everything is here to help me.
It’s taken months to digest the beauty of Rose’s selfless unconditional gift of the dark that embarked me on a journey to gradually make my shadow and disowned parts conscious, and balance my feminine and masculine energies with reuniting my mind and heart in a holy matrimony where my inner child is the product of this beautiful relationship.
The primal gazing… this really hit me! When looking into Rose’s eyes I saw a connection I longed to have with my mother.
Rose, you became a powerful instrument in my healing process to liberate myself from the past. You’ve given me the greatest gifts of a lifetime I could have ever asked from anyone, for that and for so much more, I thank my feet for how they found you, every day. The pain experienced has called me out to evolve and become an empowered soul, one step at a time.
Thank You Rose.
All loss is healing the root level which brings forth a new beginning.
Marlene, you’re really inspirational with how you move in life. I have seen and felt your power, and it’s been shown to me time and time again. The reconnection with you has made so humble to firsthand experience the healing gifts of the Divine, the power of forgiveness, between two people who have already gone through a transformation of a century by letting love lead the way.
Thank You Marlene.
I have come to believe that the best protection is a fully open heart.
And then there’s Alice.
I have been so unappreciative with my words and actions. You’ve seen the best and worst in me but you’re still here, next to me. I feel like I am a naked book in front of you. You’ve come to see parts of me that even I didn’t know existed. What a tough cookie you are. You’re truly filling me up with extended hope. Honestly, any word would minimize the beauty of all that you are to me and all the gifts you came here to share, so I will keep it short.
Thank You Alice!
I have been on a self-development rocky road since I was a baby and it seems to be a lifelong journey. The more I open up for the wisdom of the ages the more I realized, the less I know. It’s as if I am taking baby-steps nonstop from birth to death.
There’s so much to learn about love and life.
This beginning of a brand new chapter has been divinely uncomfortable yet so liberating.
I realized how little I knew about empathy. About humility. About compassion. About pain. About sadness. About darkness. About understanding. About me. And the list goes on and on. Shocking yet necessary. Today, I know a little bit more, enough to be humble and treat myself and others better. We all need more love, not less. And this will be a process, a never-ending one.
I am excited to see what’s aligned for my journey ahead.
It’s been intense.
Growth has been beyond.
Lots of changes inside and out.
Riding the energetic wave of divinity.
Time has literally collapsed.
I have learned so much about myself, and still am.
I would never ever change anything because through all I learn, I grow and I become who I am meant to be in life and love. So therefor, every single cell in my body is grateful to go through the growing pains of becoming someone new. I have realized that it’s all I have ever wanted – to be of service! A small contribution to wake up more souls, starting with myself.
I am a human.
And also a miracle.
I am proud to be me, the unique expression of consciousness.
I respect my journey and the journeys of all.
I have come to believe that I have chosen my life’s circumstances, no matter how crazy or difficult they may seem, to learn my lessons of love in this gift-giving universe filled with infinite opportunities where I play a role in the ascension of earth for the wellbeing and liberation of all.
Here it is.
Long. Detailed. Thorough.
I have decades, maybe even lifetimes, of healing to be done to enter the heart of surrender. It’s okay. I am not in a hurry. I have all the time in the world coz time is all we have. In fact, everything happens in the now anyways. And I already know that it will be a rocky road. I am ready. I think. I am guided. I know.
I want to be fully conscious and alive. And this will be my medicine alongside with self-love.
Okay, that’s it for now. I’ll get busy championing my inner child, that wonderful “Little Elsa” who has longed for connection since the beginning of time, something that has and is always here. This is my journey from head to heart.
Thank you Ann Kennedy, a Jungian therapist, for your generous gifts that helped to open parts of my psyche. Thank you Sister Mary Pat for being a nun like none other. Thank you Carol Light for your inspiration that helped me greatly to bring the critic closer into the light of my own divinity. Thank you Kim Coley for the gift of all that you are to me. Thank you Chris Fink for your loving divine guidance. And thank you Georgetown community of young souls!
I am currently emerged into the writings of John Bradshaw, Matt Kahn and orphan care.
And here’s my lifesaver, a mantra for Mother Divine “Devi Prayer“, next to the breath of life that has saved me from the worst moments of despair.
Love and light to all hearts,
Artwork by Carol Light.