I hope you’ve soft-landed into new beginnings with openness ever present.
I have, with a heart of a warrior. Not liking it but drinking it while knowing it – I have to open up when it doesn’t feel safe in order for safety to be discovered.
SIDENOTE: I am active on Instagram with snippets of privacy. If called, follow me HERE.
Days ago I wrote a little something and it goes like this.
What comes comes anyways.
Why ‘what’ comes is what I need.
When ‘why’ comes is divinely timed in me.
I have to become aware of it, to feel it.
I have to feel it, to transform it.
I have to transform it, to be it.
And I will survive it, to live it.
It’s quite fitting to the unexpected change that washed me over during Christmas. In the height of another relocation, I welcome new opportunities on the horizon when I step into the discomfort to open up for the comfort.
There’s a saying I will mess up, “To make a change, you have to make it from within.” First and foremost it’s within me but once I have changed enough, it’s time to flatten the climbed mountain of self-success to then merge with the totality of the perceived and unperceived reality. For now, it’s time for me to come down. Share my growth with whoever slides into my sphere of affairs to work hand in hand and heart forward in the toxic system of society.
It’s my way to say, I will welcome the workaholism. I don’t know how I will make it work – write and fund myself in a Soviet vacation house – but the power higher than me knows. It has my back. It always has had and always will have with it’s best interest at heart. So, I bow to non-reasoning and let life do what needs to be done, when in it all, I will self-medicate with awareness ever present and with love ever evolving to sing the songs I came here to sing.
Roosiku, my heaven of creative writing, has been good to me but its time, its up. I have learned a lot – about me, about creativity, about life, about love. The discipline of high-quality choices I worked hard for can be followed anywhere.
Currently, I am scared but not choked. I am excited but not naive. I am relaxed but not inhuman.
Exactly ten months ago I hired myself to work for myself.
Back then, I cracked open the book project – LOVE OR FEAR – fully knowing, I don’t know who I am, and I couldn’t even recall who I was. I walked on thin ice when I began to recollect memories I felt afraid to unlock with shades of help all around.
Since March twenty-seventeen, I have been drinking the nectar of creativity, of me. I have been cute, embarrassingly cute, in each stage of my awakening. Shockingly, on and off, the dirty underwear got me stuck in an inner Metallica concert of a feelers nightmare when I thought back, reread and relived the akashic records of me. Fiercely, through tears of uncertainty, I kept the practice.
I said to self, I will master it. I will love the loved and unloved fragments of me. May that never happen, I will at least become better at it.
What comes comes anyways, hey?
If I would be you, and pretend I know fractions of Elsa’s nomadic adventures, then I would think, “What the heck is she talking about?” If so, I get it. The book might reveal the mystery of what it meant to be Elsa.
Still, I am eager to point out, I write to heal not to publish. I am the writer and I am the reader. This is my medicine of self-empowerment.
I do it with the primary aim to unwrap the seen and unseen beauty of me so I can see the beauty of others.
Until now, during the book project, I have exposed myself in two continents, four countries and eight locations through an undeniable help of others, who bathed me in their caring arms, either leisured in materialized pleasure or worked for food or exchanged basics for labor. And now, my ninth location in the upcoming week in my surrender experiment takes me to Tartu, the university city of Estonia. I don’t like cities but Tartu has this vibe that calms my awakened anxiety of what, why and when.
Here’s a promise to self, I will let it do what needs to be done.
And now, I welcome you deeper into my world with a written depiction of my environment.
In October, three months ago, I moved to Roosiku, a spectacular spot deep in the countryside, surrounded by forest, in the south of Estonia. In late August, when I returned home, the place found me. I began to live with a family of seven who opened their doors to a 105-year-old school-house that a few years back got renovated into living quarters. I settled in on the 2nd floor in a room as white as the light. Days later I opened my laptop and began a 7-day challenge to touch base with what’s there. Then, on the 18th of October, I wrote the opening lines in my first complete draft. Since then, as never before, I am traveling the ins and outs of my own mind and heart, everywhere and nowhere, in the physical radius of two-hundred meters.
Roosiku and its family: CLICK ME
The story, if it wants to come, it seems to write itself, showing it’s immaculate beauty on a white page with me playing a role of a creative vessel. First-half of the day, each day, either 1’000 words or six hours, I write and then the rest of the day, for the purpose to balance the exchange of family Alev’s giving with a currency of humility, when I wash and brush, I work and sweat, I wrap and fold, by taking on all chores as a respectable allrounder would do, and when time-off, I rest and play.
During the day, when stuffed with vegan, and called to nature, one just around the bend, I walk between the majestic fields of spruce where I recharge myself and thank everything and everyone. And with the last crack of alertness in the luxury of northern winter nights, I munch the words from books ever-inspiring to be encouraged and to refine my skills of storytelling.
I made a deal with Roosiku – I will commit to a year of writing in Estonia, preferably in Roosiku, to see if it’s even something I am truly called to do. And it is. The call is loud and clear but the relocation is needed.
Every day has been and continues to be an unknown but in that discomfort of an unknown, I found my comfort. And now, its universe telling with its twisted humor and interpretation – you’re ready for the next step – while it flips my life upside down.
That said, understanding doesn’t get me where I need to be, faith does, and I am flooded by it.
With my own late explorations into self, I know, loving myself in the diversity of unexpected change, time and time again, throws me deeper into a greater relaxation. And that’s safety, my freedom from adversity, either I like it or not, it’s here to help me.
Clearly, life’s no one’s fault. It’s the opposite of what the old me perceived to believe. I truly cannot help but love the people who know the pain I felt and feel.
What I am about to do, has been done by someone, so can I, so can you, so can we.
For instance, J.K. Rowling was a single mom with a full-time and low-income job and she wrote Harry Potter at nighttime in a local pub with addicts and deafening notes testing her love for the game. She squeezed the maximum out of a day with choices that on the go transformed her life from the inside out. She had every excuse to not do it but she did it. She didn’t fight the system, she worked in the system. She was the change. And, to feel deeper into her dedication, she didn’t write to seek fame. She wrote because she loved writing. That’s fucking inspirational.
Let’s build faith by anchoring ourselves in the insurance of the soul.
In it all, I will also share my dopamine of hope – it doesn’t matter what I think, it matters what I say to myself when curveballs are thrown at me. So let’s treat ourselves with loving-kindness. When you don’t know how to love (I didn’t), then admitting it is sending love to that part of you that longs to be loved. Faith. Faith. Faith. Until then, I will love you, on your behalf.
And, here’s my daily opening prayer (I thought you might like it), one I recite before I sit down to write, to slay the dragon of resistance and wash the pages with miraculous healing changing all of me.
Great Sprit, please,
Allow me to speak from my heart.
Help me to be honest and vulnerable.
Guide me to show my fears and love, and share my pain and joy.
Please help me,
to bring back memories of old and new,
to remember my thought then and now,
to activate the feelings of the past and present,
to be connected with all that’s been and is,
to do what I am sent here to do with love as my guide.
Love from my heart to yours from the Heart of Roosiku,
Estonia, January 2018